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Affairs &
Infidelity
Are You in Affair
Aftershock?: Tips to Help You Decide Your Next
Step...
By Susie and Otto Collins
It is undeniable. Megan has indisputable proof that her suspicions
about her boyfriend, Brian, are true.
He is cheating on her.
Megan and Brian have been a couple for 6 years now. They've happily
lived together for 2 of those years. In recent months, however,
Megan has noticed subtle changes in Brian.
She's worried about these changes and tried to figure them out.
She's wondered if he was having an affair, but couldn't even think
about that possibility-- it was just too upsetting.
And now she knows with 100% certainty...she came home early from a
night out with friends to find Brian and this other woman in each
other's arms!
Since that awful moment, Brian has been apologizing and trying to
explain himself. Megan has locked herself in their bedroom and is
stunned. She has no idea what to do next.
When you come face-to-face with the truth that your partner is
having an affair, you might be stunned, just like Megan. Even if you
aren't all that surprised, you may still feel numb and frozen.
An aftershock reaction like this is understandable.
After all, your reality of the relationship that you thought you had
has just been seriously jarred . It may even feel shattered. You
might find yourself wondering what you can believe and what you
should do next.
Here are some tips for how to move through a difficult time like
this...
Make sure you are getting the TLC you need.
Make self-care your top priority. You simply cannot make a decision
about your future-- for yourself and your relationship-- that will
be in your best interest when you are stunned.
Take the time and give yourself the space to recover from this
shock. Make sure that you have a support team around you who can
give you the TLC-- tender loving care-- that will help you move from
a frozen place to conscious action.
If you have children, arrange for them to stay with a trusted family
member or friend for some period of time that is comfortable for
you. This will allow you to focus on your own healing and come to
clarity about what you want to do next.
Believe us, you will be better able to support your children through
upcoming changes if you take this time for yourself.
Be extra gentle with yourself. For right now, don't try to figure
out why this happened, how the affair could have been prevented or
who is ultimately to blame.
If you need to cry, yell around, tear up photographs or process your
feelings in other ways (that do not hurt you or another), do so.
When you give yourself the freedom to feel whatever comes up and the
space to safely express those feelings, you'll most likely find that
the intensity rises and evens out more easily.
Make short-term decisions.
Now that it's all out in the open and you know that your partner had
an affair, decisions have to made.
This is where things can quickly become overwhelming.
Get out a notebook and pour out on paper all of the decisions that
you believe you need to make. Don't think about what the actual
answers are, just write them down.
For example, Megan-- who is staying with her sister for awhile--
writes this:
"Will I make Brian move out of the apartment?"
"Do I want to find a new apartment without the memories?"
"Am I ready to break up with him?"
"If we break up, who will our dog and cat live with?"
"What would it take to make me willing to give him a second chance?"
"Do I even want to hear his side in all of this?"
"Can I ever go to the bars we used to go to together?"
"Which of our friends will remain friends with me?"
You can't possibly answer all of these questions right now. For this
reason, after you make your list of questions/decisions, circle the
top three that are most urgent.
Megan circles these:
"Will I make Brian move out of the apartment?"
"Do I want to find a new apartment without the memories?"
"Am I ready to break up with him?"
There are other important considerations-- such as the care of their
pets-- but these are slightly less urgent at this moment.
Even when you look at your prioritized list, you might feel
overwhelmed. If so, take a deep breath.
Remind yourself that, in many cases, you can make short-term and
temporary decisions. You can give yourself permission to decide
whether you want to completely end your relationship, or if you
would like to take time apart for a specific period of time.
Megan decides that she needs some time apart. She sends Brian an
e-mail asking him not to contact her for two weeks-- she will be
staying with her sister. She is clear with him that she is not
breaking up with him right now.
She suggests that they meet to talk in two weeks. At that time, she
tells him that she expects him to provide proof that he's ended his
affair. Depending on how their talk goes, she will make a more
permanent decision then.
You can take things one step at a time. Continue to check in with
yourself to know what you truly want to do in that next step.
*************************************************************************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto
Collins, authors
of Should You Stay or Should You Go?, Where There's Smoke There's
Fire, How to Tell if Your Man's a Cheating Liar and No More
Jealousy are experts at helping people get more of the
love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Collinspartners.com |