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Affairs &
Infidelity
Is This Internet Cheating?
by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Dear Dr. Bob,
I recently found that my fiance has been writing to several other
women over the internet and I found the e-mails. They are all very
suggestive and sexual and he talks to them about things that he and
I have shared. He cannot understand why I am upset. I told him I
have given him everything one woman can give a man, emotionally,
sexually, spiritually, etc....and I don't know what else to do. I
told him I didn't feel I was enough, and he SWEARS over and over
again that I am enough woman for him, yet he has this need to write
these woman and discuss all this. They have even sent him photos of
themselves and he kept them until recently, so he says. He says he
doesn't feel like it is cheating at all since there is no physical
contact and this is all just e-mail bull. I consider it every-bit
cheating, especially when he is telling a woman what he would do to
her if he was with her.....which what is worse, is that it is all
the same stuff he says to me when we are together physically. What
are your thoughts?
Is this Internet Cheating?
Dear Reader,
If you think it's cheating, if you come close to thinking it's
cheating, IT IS CHEATING. If you have a problem with his internet
escapades, it is a problem - for you, for him and the relationship.
You have every right to voice your concern, so, don't hold back.
Before we look at his escapades, I want you to "get this" so it
sinks deeply into every cell of your womanhood: you are not
defective! There is nothing wrong with you as a sexual being! There
is nothing else for you to do - for him or to him! Actually, he
sounds like a real lucky guy!
Please understand, the reality of life and intimacy is that
sometimes it's hot and sometimes it's not, and mostly it's between.
Would you settle for 10% hot, 10% not and 80% between? That's
probably pretty close, especially as relationships grow and mature.
It sounds like he is fairly immature or is grabbed by an addiction.
I don't think it's an addiction, since he appears not to hide his
activities. There may be seeds for an addiction, but considering
your age (I'm assuming 20's or so?) I would think his fantasies
(played out on the 'net) rule and/or he's fairly clueless about the
next step needed to develop a more mature relationship. (If you were
in your late 30's, 40's or 50's I would see it differently.)
You can't compete with fantasies or addictions. Don't try. It won't
work.
He is giving you a clue about his internet activities: they are
meeting a "need." What kind of need is this? Does he need
excitement, to feel in control, be wanted and wanted more, feel
powerful, competent, adequate or are there other personal needs
driving and living in these fantasies?
Personal needs are typically powerful and our "neediness" can guide
our lives until we identify them and transform them. I have a
program in my coaching resources that lists over 200 personal needs
and step by step shows you how to get them met in constructive ways.
Want it? Click here,
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/Needless program.pdf
The good, open communication base in your relationship will enable
you to talk about your personal needs. Pick apart his fantasies.
What are the personal needs that weave through them? Are there
patterns? What are they? Where do they fit with your personal needs?
Are they different? Are there points of similarities?
Being able to talk at this level might take some time. It might feel
strange and a little weird, but go for it. I think the two of you
are ready. Eventually, as you explore your personal needs and
mutually commit in very practical ways to meet some of those, your
relationship will move to a deeper level of intimacy and the
netcapades will fade into cyberspace.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto
Collins, authors
of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the
love they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more
loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
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Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 © 2005 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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