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Everyone gets angry. Some people show it openly
and others don’t. If you are one of those people who claim you don’t
get angry- you’re either not in touch with your emotions or you are
lying. In relationship,
Anger can be either healthy or unhealthy. Anger is just an emotion. How
you process it is what determines whether it becomes a tool for growth
or a source of pain and destruction.
In this society anger is perceived as a negative emotion.
If you are a person who expresses anger, society would tell you
that you are someone who can’t control your emotions and can’t
control your behavior. Most
of us suppress anger and deny it exists until it rears its ugly head.
In our relationship, we’ve found that it’s always best to
deal with any anger that comes up right away.
In the past Otto would always let resentments build and build
until they got out of control. Then he would just explode and end up
saying things he would end up regretting later. In his past
relationships it wasn’t safe for him to express his true feelings.
Susie was taught that you should always be nice and there was no place
for anger. Her parents were never openly angry with one another. Angry
feelings to her meant something was wrong with her. Because she
repressed her feelings, she found them overwhelming and was not able to
express what she was experiencing.
All emotional feelings are signals that there is something in
your life that needs to be dealt with and anger is one of those
emotions. When anger comes
up, it is a signal that something in your life is out of balance and
incongruent with how you believe your world should be.
When anger comes up in our relationship, we want to get to the
root of the problem and find out what’s really going on. What we have found helpful is to open up a dialog and
just allow the person who is angry to express how and why. When you are
angry, you need to take responsibility for it and not project it onto
someone else. Use “I”
statements and be specific, such as “I am really upset about about you
leaving your socks on the floor” instead of “You are such a slob!”
The partner’s job is to listen in a detached, non-judgmental
way. If this sounds
like a lot of work, you’re right.
This process takes trust and practice but the reward is a
relationship, which is free of resentments.
Reacting quickly and honestly to angry emotions bypasses the
tendency of periodic explosions and tends to “clear the air” much
like a spring rain. When
you defuse anger, you’ll be able to bring back the connection and love
that you’ve lost in that moment.
Susan has learned not to run away from angry feelings but that it
is safe to express them when they appear.
Otto has found that when he expresses anger, he is able to move
past the anger and discover what he is really upset about.
The
lesson we learned is that a foundation of safety and trust in the
relationship must be present to express or listen to anger from love
instead of fear.
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