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Marianne Williamson says, “Everything we do is
either an act of love or a cry for help.”
The Course of Miracles says there are two emotions: love
and fear. Jealousy is about
real or imagined fears—fear of abandonment, fear of loss of love, fear
of being dishonored in the relationship, fear of being shamed in the
community.
In our relationship one of us has had jealousy as an
issue and one hasn’t. The
source of jealousy comes down to insecurity within the relationship,
which is ultimately fear. This
insecurity did not come from any action of the other partner but rather
from experiences in past relationships and imagined fears about
potential pain in this relationship.
Insecurities can arise from relationships that you have witnessed
other than your own, such as parents, other family members, friends,
neighbors, or other role models.
Fears can arise from the knowledge that your partner
has been unfaithful in past relationships.
“If he or she did it once, then it can happen again,” is the
thought process even though you are in a totally different relationship.
Tony Robbins’ advice that your past does not equal your future just
doesn’t hold water in this case. The patterns come up again and again
unless both decide to work through your fears and not bury them.
Jealousy can take many forms in the relationship
other than concerns of faithfulness.
One can be jealous of the talents, abilities, financial
resources, social status and a host of other reasons.
In partnership there is no room for jealousy.
Whether you sense the jealousy is your own or your partner’s,
it has to be addressed. For
the relationship to grow and flourish, jealousy has to be exorcised like
a ghost in a haunted house. If
you don’t, you will build walls between you and your partner, thus
strangling the relationship. Philosopher
Jim Rhon reminds us that the walls you build to keep out the sadness
also keeps out the joy.
Jealousy
can wreck a relationship. The
way we have dealt with it is with total honesty about the past and our
intentions of the future. This
isn’t always easy but when this issue comes up, we first take turns
speaking our truths, going to the core to find the real issue.
We stay with the process of communicating how we feel and no
matter how hard it is to say or hear what’s said, we don’t run away.
We are each other’s best friends and it’s always important to
keep that focus during any discussion, especially one of a jugular
issue.
When jealousy issues come up in your relationship, we
suggest you first take some time to determine the real issue.
You may have to get clear about your feelings by yourself first
and then communicate with your partner. We use the term “staying with
it” to express working through a problem until it is resolved.
Journaling may help if you are feeling stuck.
Just remember that what’s at the bottom of the problem may not
be apparent immediately. With
any issue in relationship, you have to patiently and lovingly talk
through it without judgement or blame.
Creating the relationship of your dreams is hard work but, the
rewards are ongoing and abundant.
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