|
To
have a relationship that
really works loving your partner is not enough. You have to love the
other person exactly how they want to be loved. Just as importantly,
they have to love you how you need to be loved.
That’s what makes our relationship work. We’ve taken the time
to specifically ask our spouse how they want to be loved and that’s
what we do.
When marriages fail most people spend some time analyzing the
reasons why. That’s what
we did as well. We realized our previous partners loved us. But, we just
came up feeling empty inside. Our partners loved us from their frame of
reference. But, not ours.
Otto’s former wife believed in being prepared for the worst.
Each winter she packed a small survival kit for the car complete with
coffee can, a candle and matches to keep him warm in an emergency. Also
included would be a couple of non -perishable snack food items like
cheese and peanut butter crackers so he wouldn’t starve.
Packing this survival kit was an act of kindness and love from
her point of view. From
Otto’s point of view this wasn’t important at at all because he said
repeatedly to her that “ he would go for help rather than being
stranded in a car for several hours or more”. So, is there any fault
here ? No, just what was important to her wasn’t important to him.
Even before we got together we started making lists of how we
wanted to be treated by a partner. One thing that was important for
Susie was, If we were at a party or a function with a large group of
people that even if Otto was across the room he would sporadically make
eye contact with her and acknowledge her. Whereas Otto wants to be
greeted with kisses and hugs when he reconnects with Susie when we’ve
been apart.
Before you can expect your partner to love you how you want to be
loved, you have to first find out yourself. Once you know how you want
to be loved, the next step
is to tell your partner. The
key is communication. Unless you tell your partner how you want to loved
there is no way you can expect them to love you in this manner. After
all, most of us are not mind readers.
Relationships are a two way street. Both you and your
partner have to love each other the way you want to be loved. When one
person’s needs are met and not the other’s resentments are created.
We found that talking openly and honestly about our needs is vital to
the relationship. We also found that, sometimes compromise is necessary
to experience what Stephen Covey calls a “Win-Win” relationship.
Sometimes you simply cannot give what your partner needs. In
Susie’s previous relationship sailing was the most important thing to
her partner but not to her. She simply could not make sailing her
passion to the exclusion of everything else. This was a core issue in
their relationship. This was an issue that eventually divided them
forever.
Love lesson Number 1 :
1) We suggest that before you enter into any relationship that
you first make a list of how
it is you want to be loved.
2) Commit to sharing this list with your partner or potential partner
and talk about why
the things on the list are important.
3) Make sure you follow through and do the things that you’ve
committed to do.
|