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The
paradox of vulnerability in relationship is, the path to connection is
to allow yourself to be both strong and vulnerable at the same time.
When you do, it allows your partner to get to see the real you with your
defenses down. This means no hiding. Not from yourself, not from your
partner and best of all no hiding from the truth.
Recently we had a conversation with our friend
george that was quite telling about
how men in this society are taught to deal with vulnerability.
George told us about how he grew up on the streets of Manhattan and you
just didn’t show any signs of weakness. If you did you were dead. He
went on to explain that he would confide his feelings to both his male
and female friends much more quickly than his wife (if at all). George
loves his wife and there is a deep bond between them but, he doesn’t
want her to perceive him as being “weak”. Plain and simple George is typical of most males in our
society. They are taught- don’t show vulnerability. It’s the sign of
weakness.
Women in our society are taught to let a
man lead. Women are taught to wait for a man to call them for a date,
for men to open doors for them, to ask them to marry them, to initiate
sex and much more. Whether consciously or unconsciously, even the
strongest women in the corporate world find themselves allowing the lead
in relationship. Dotty was a very successful labor consultant. Making
three times the income her husband made. Her friends were astonished
when she confided in them that she would have to ask her husband if she
could buy a new pair of shoes
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in
relationship is the fuel that propels the relationship to move forward
and grow. If you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable what you are
doing is building walls to keep others from being able to hurt you. As
life and business philosopher Jim Rohn says “the walls we build to
keep out the sadness also keeps out the joy”.
Mona Lisa Schultz reminds us “it’s not healthy for your
relationship, your emotions or your body when one partner has all
the power and the other has all the vulnerability. In fact, either
position can be painful. You have to learn the joys and benefits of the
opposite position of being vulnerable when the occasion calls for it and
seizing power when necessary.
In our relationship we consider ourselves partners who maintain a
healthy balance between power and vulnerability. Like many couples, our
previous relationships were not that way. Even though we were married
for many years to our previous partners, neither of us felt safe enough
to truly be vulnerable with them. In Susie’s case, vulnerability was
met with avoidance, distance and perfunctory solutions to problems. In
Otto’s relationships, he never felt safe enough to express
vulnerability but did whatever was necessary to just “get along” and
somehow make the relationship work. This doesn’t mean there wasn’t
love in our previous relationships. It only means there was an imbalance
of power that didn’t serve either partner or the relationship. When
you don’t feel safe enough to tell your partner anything in fear of
how they might react or what they might say or do,
the passion dies and the relationship shortly thereafter
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