Nearly everyone has experienced a
relationship breakup or divorce and it can be one of the
most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your
broken heart. What we have discovered in our
relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to
So, if breakups don't have to occur, what cases them and how
can you prevent them?
four ideas to help you better understand why breakups happen
and what you can do to prevent them in your relationship.
1. Old Fears Surface.
It's to be expected that being in an
intimate relationship will inevitable bring up fears and
challenges from the past. These might include fearing not
being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even
feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked
at and healed, they interfere in some way or another with
the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice
when the fears surface, be loving with
yourself but look inward instead of
outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue.
Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or
are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are
creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to
them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do
and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your
thoughts. If you need help and support to
make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough
to get it.
You may not have healed your broken heart from past
relationships that ended and you find it very difficult to
trust your current partner or open your heart completely to
him or her. We suggest that you stop living from the
hurt of those past relationships and bring yourself into the
present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the
past. Commit to starting over, allowing your fears to
be there but reminding yourself that this is a new day.
2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved
Everyone wants to feel understood,
valued, loved and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to
either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting
our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start
appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds
simplistic but it really works!
If you are not feeling loved, start being
open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people
are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily
life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them
in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send
some appreciation back to them and to everyone around you
and watch love snowball in your life.
3. Not Making their Relationship a
Many couples take each other for granted
and don't give their relationship the attention it needs
most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can
be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your
relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time
everyday to connect with your partner.
We believe that sex happens long before
the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts
about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or
negative? It continues when you come together--Are you
happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or
do you great each other with a laundry list of chores,
things to be done or grievances?
These are just a couple of ways we make
our relationship a priority. Try them in yours!
4. One or Both People are Made to Feel
They are "Wrong."
One of the biggest mistakes people make
is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical
words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that
person who you love and they love you becomes an "enemy."
Before you jump into blaming and judging
your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask
yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further
apart or move you closer toward healing. Open your heart to
understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the
two of you. Understand the full story before you start
making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in
someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to find
5. Not healing your heart after a previous
Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly
healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in
their previous relationship and what they could have done
differently. They keep repeating the same mistakes over
and over again and always expect a different outcome.
We suggest that you take the time to heal your broken heart and
your attachment to being a victim, in being right or whatever
holds you to a previous relationship. Spend some energy in
taking responsibility for what happened, forgiving yourself and
your previous partner, and deciding what you want to change in
If you are interested in more information to help you heal from
a relationship breakup, visit