Susie and Otto's Love and Relationships Advice 
Article

Dealing with Jealousy in Relationships

by Susie and Otto Collins

Marianne Williamson says, “Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help.”  The Course of Miracles says there are two emotions: love and fear.  Jealousy is about real or imagined fears—fear of abandonment, fear of loss of love, fear of being dishonored in the relationship, fear of being shamed in the community. 

In our relationship one of us has had jealousy as an issue and one hasn’t.  The source of jealousy comes down to insecurity within the relationship, which is ultimately fear.  This insecurity did not come from any action of the other partner but rather from experiences in past relationships and imagined fears about potential pain in this relationship.   Insecurities can arise from relationships that you have witnessed other than your own, such as parents, other family members, friends, neighbors, or other role models. 

Fears can arise from the knowledge that your partner has been unfaithful in past relationships.  “If he or she did it once, then it can happen again,” is the thought process even though you are in a totally different relationship. Tony Robbins’ advice that your past does not equal your future just doesn’t hold water in this case. The patterns come up again and again unless both decide to work through your fears and not bury them. 

Jealousy can take many forms in the relationship other than concerns of faithfulness.  One can be jealous of the talents, abilities, financial resources, social status and a host of other reasons.

In partnership there is no room for jealousy.  Whether you sense the jealousy is your own or your partner’s, it has to be addressed.  For the relationship to grow and flourish, jealousy has to be exorcised like a ghost in a haunted house.  If you don’t, you will build walls between you and your partner, thus strangling the relationship.  Philosopher Jim Rhon reminds us that the walls you build to keep out the sadness also keeps out the joy. 

 Jealousy can wreck a relationship.  The way we have dealt with it is with total honesty about the past and our intentions of the future.  This isn’t always easy but when this issue comes up, we first take turns speaking our truths, going to the core to find the real issue.   We stay with the process of communicating how we feel and no matter how hard it is to say or hear what’s said, we don’t run away.  We are each other’s best friends and it’s always important to keep that focus during any discussion, especially one of a jugular issue.

When jealousy issues come up in your relationship, we suggest you first take some time to determine the real issue.  You may have to get clear about your feelings by yourself first and then communicate with your partner. We use the term “staying with it” to express working through a problem until it is resolved. Journaling may help if you are feeling stuck.   Just remember that what’s at the bottom of the problem may not be apparent immediately.  With any issue in relationship, you have to patiently and lovingly talk through it without judgment or blame.  Creating the relationship of your dreams is hard work but, the rewards are ongoing and abundant.

 

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